Friday, September 25, 2009

Back at work already and I hate every minute of being away from her!

Time flies when you have a little one! She is 5 weeks old already! I am sitting at my desk at work, my first time away from the baby this long; it is so saddening! I miss her so much!

I should preface this with the fact that I have always loved my baby and enjoyed being a mom, but in the last week, I have finally felt like I think most moms should feel: just completely enamored and desperately in love with their child. I don’t know if you are supposed to feel this way when they are first born, or supposed to admit it, but I did and I am: when she was first born, I was so scared of what lied ahead that I don’t think I let myself really appreciate the baby I had brought into this world. I was almost at times resentful that I had to be available to her 24/7 (mainly in the middle of the night when Brian would be snoring next to me and I would be awake feeding her), and had to entertain her and all of the sudden my life was not my own, I wanted to go back to work! Did I love her, yes, was I in love with her, I am not sure (that makes me feel so guilty!). It made me mad that I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. Maybe it was a little post partum depression, or the baby blues, but I really didn’t feel like I thought I would, just helplessly in love with their child.

I don't know if my hormones are finally more settled or the fact that I have spent more time with her or if it was that I knew I would be leaving her soon, but words can no longer express how much I love my daughter. “Love” is not even a strong enough word to describe how full she makes my heart, the warm and tingly feeling that surrounds my heart when I think of her. I just love to see her on my lap, I love to smell her hair after a bath, to play with her chubby arms and legs, to watch her fingers wrap around mine...I love the way she stares into my eyes when I breastfeed her, or how if she is fussy in someone else’s arms just coming into the room and her hearing the sound of my voice makes her calm and smile. It is such a remarkable thing, being a mom, and I finally feel like one. I am starting to understand how strong our bond is and why parents are insane when it comes to their children. This has been a wild ride, and now I can’t imagine my life without her!

So BellaReese is now 5 weeks old! Most people call her Bella now. I go between Bella, BellaReese, Bells and Peanut. Not many people call her Izzy or Isabella. She is huge compared to when we brought her home! She is now in size 1 diapers, she no longer fits in newborn clothes (with a couple of exceptions), she has a very hearty appetite and loves to eat. At first, she slept 95% of the day, but now she is awake almost as much as she sleeps and I love it! She is cooing more than ever, having mini conversations with herself, and she is getting very good at focusing on objects and staring at peoples faces; occasionally smiles when you smile at her. When she is on her belly for tummy time, she can lift her head and move it from side to side and when she is on your lap, she kicks so strong if you don’t have a hand on her she will kick right off you! Brian, when she was first born, was so shocked by how strong she was, and my response was, “I’m not, now you know why I complained about how bad my ribs hurt!” Ha! I feel like she is getting so big, that she is almost no longer a newborn! My little peanut is now a medium peanut!

Big City only wants to lick her face and kiss her hands and eat her pacifiers (he got one completely already!). He is very jealous of her, but thankfully, never mean to her or trying to bite her. If I am playing on the floor with her, he comes over and tries to take her blanket and once I pick her up, lies in the exact spot she was in. If I am doing tummy time with her, he comes over and lays right next to her…he misses having me for himself! It is pretty cute!

Bella’s favorite activities:
Going on walks outside
Staring at lights
Eating
Pooping
Staring at lights some more
Playing with her hair
Poking herself in the eye
Eating
Staring at more lights

The days aren’t very eventful, but they are amazing and fantastic and I can’t imagine anything else being as exciting as watching my daughter learn about the world around her. I am so blessed and in love and happy to have such an amazing little family all my own. Being BellaReese’s mom is probably the best thing I have ever done, and I am so proud that she is my daughter!

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